I had a very bad week. I am constantly crying to the point I carrying tissues around with me. I can just think about my baby and the water faucets start(I cry so much they are faucets). I've even been a little withdrawn from everyone and I am sorry. Like I said it seems I take 10 steps forward and then 8 steps back. Every time I see a child particularly if it's a little girl and she's with her daddie it just eats away at my heart. Yesterday my husbands cousins from Brazil came to visit and at first I had to excuse myself before anyone noticed I was crying. Crying because I know, had Elena been here, my mother in-law would have been so proud to show her off. Jerry is so cute when I told him why I was crying, he offered to show them all of her baby pictures on his iTouch, I did smile and say "that is not the same and you know it", besides every time he does that people just begin to cry. Mothers Day is a week away, and its just haunting me. I am not sure if I can handle it. Even now just the commercials are getting to me. Jerry asked me if I was going to be able to handle going to church next week. I will because I'm dedicated but I have a feeling I should just take an entire box of tissues. I would prefer to sleep through the whole day and pretend the day didn't even exist. Jerry is so sweet he asked, "why your still a mom"?. I suppose he's right but it's supposed to be spent with your children and it sure wasn't intended to be spent with your children at the cemetery. I always imagined my kids waking me up with breakfast in bed. And receiving those home made cards they make you and mean more because it came from their heart. Who knows by now maybe Elena would have been able to at least hold a card in her hands to give to mommie.
This morning a women sat behind us with a baby girl about Elena's age. I thought I was going to die. I just thought you have got to be kidding me. Jerry kept looking at her, I couldn't bring myself to. Jerry said he likes to look at kids to see if Elena is playing with them, tickling them or something. I love that at least I can feel her presence. One of my Bible study questions this week was if I believe all prayers are answered. There are a couple of things I have learned about prayer in the last couple of months. 1) I thought you had to say certain things or be well versed to pray. The truth, the only requirement is sincerity and faith. 2) Patience: Constant prayer and faith will be heard, but remember everything is Gods timing, you could be praying for the same thing for 20 years before God says okay, now is the right time. 3) The most important thing to remember is God knows best. In other words yes, I believe God answers all sincere and faithful prayers. But, you have to remember the prayer may not be answered the way you expected. It will be answered according to Gods will.
For example Jerry used to bring the baby upstairs for me every night (c-sections don't like stairs) and I would stay down stairs preparing all the feeding supplies for the night so I didn't have to be up and down the stairs. So, that was daddie's time, well every night he would pray with her and ask God to protect, guard and guide her. We believe our prayers were answered, granted not the way we expected or wanted them to be, but answered none the less. He did protect Elena, he protected her from everything possible. He took her back home to heaven where she will be safe forever. Maybe over the years she may have developed a disease or something, maybe she would have suffered from something. Now, none of those things will ever happen. She is safe and extremely well taken care of. As for me I'm still new in the praying department sometimes I even feel like I don't know what I'm doing , but I just say it however it comes out and from the heart. After all God knows what I want and need before I even ask for it.
Pray for me to keep strong, my strength seems to struggling right now, especially the closer Sunday comes the more I breakdown.
Lovely Christine,
I found the site you gave me and the beautiful pictures of Elena. I love the one of her with her eyes open. I believe she will grow up in heaven looking just like her mom.
I know your heart is breaking this week and mine is breaking for you too. I have thought of you so much. Christine, It's ok to not go to church on Sunday. Please do not put yourself in a situation that will cause you more pain. You don't have to put yourself through that this year. Jesus understands. This won't rock His day. You can "make your bed of tears a sanctuary of praise" from home, just like King David did. Mother's with broken hearts are unintentionally left out on this Halmark card holiday. I'm so very sorry. All that pain is not worth the short effort churches put forth for the rest of us to stand up and be applauded. If anything, we should honor mother's with prayer who are feeling undescribable sadness and empty arms.
Do you know what our God did for Hagar? (Sarah's handmaiden) "He led her into the desert and spoke tenderly to her there." You are His beloved and I am praying that you will feel His arms holding you through this difficult time and whispering words of love to you.
I would like to be your friend and I confess I'm not sure how many questions I should ask or even how I should approach you some times. I do not want to do anything to make you hurt more than you are. Please know that I am praying for you. I'm here for you. I care about your fractured heart. You need not do anything to reciprocate. Just be yourself, whatever emotions may come. I'm not expecting you to "act ok".
I know of a very sacred and safe place for mother's with broken hearts like yours. It's called the Hope Garden.I have a picture of it for you. A friend of mine was behind the planning and construction of it a few yrs. back. I would like to take you there when you're up to it. We will celebrate your amazing and beautiful little girl and praise God for the time He gave you together. There's a beautiful secret to this garden and you have to go there to understand it. The secret is in the lifesize Hope statue. I met the artist and she wanted mother's such as yourself to experience God's comfort and hope in a very real way.
I pray you get this note before I see you on Thursday. I have a hug for you. Thank you for allowing me to see into your heart and get to know you a little through this blog.
Love, Janet Hagen
Posted by: Janet Hagen | Tuesday, May 06, 2008 at 10:28 PM