Barely hanging on

Saturday I went to a high school graduation. I thought I would be fine, didn't even think twice about it. Until, they started walking in and it occurred to me I will never get to see Elena graduate. I will never get that hour, parents wait 18 years to get. She was going to be the one to graduate in June;and in the right year; with a scholarship to Harvard,LOL (some of you should know exactly what I'm talking about). I realized the kids aren't the only ones praised on that day. The parents they were brave enough to make it to 18 with out losing their minds. Hopefully having taught their children what really counts, not Trigonometry or A.P. English. But the morals and values that once they sow their wild oats they hopefully come back to them. And with luck they become great citizens of the world and go onto teach the generations to come the same. Well, at least that's what we pray for everyday of their life.

Later that day at the party, one of the guest brought their 8 week old. And someone wanted me to, " Come and see the baby, he's so cute".   Then Jerry also wanted me to go see. I feel bad because I snapped and said, "I don't want to see anybody else's baby when mine is supposed to be here too".  I felt bad, I shouldn't have snapped at him that way, especially when he is right next to me shedding tears for our loss too. Jerry and I were talking about how we are getting better poker faces. We are getting to be professionals at pretending everything is okay. Twice this week though, I repeated things or said I didn't remember where I heard something, and Jerry will look at me like I'm crazy. The problem is I'm not really paying attention to much, because I'm always trying to keep from breaking down. This morning I was in a meeting. My mind started to wonder and the tears stated to flow. So, there went 30 minutes that I cant remember what was talked about. That's what my days are like now, one attempt after another not to break down.

Another song that explains my feelings, for me it's every Friday: in bold are the parts that touch me the most

Every Saturday by: Seventh Day Slumber

Saturdays have never been the same
And I still can't believe you're gone
So many things I wish that I could say
I guess the hardest part of moving on
Are these memories that have overtaken me
Once again I'm right here on my knees

I'm barely hanging on
With all these empty feelings
I'm hurting in so many ways
And though I can't begin to understand the reason
I still believe that you're GOD

Saturdays have never been the same
That moment keeps repeating in my mind
The ringing phone
A call that changed my world
An emptiness that words cannot define
All these memories have overtaken me
So once again I fall upon my knees

And as you cried I cried with you
I'll never leave
I'll carry you through
Can't you see that I was always there?
These ashes of pain will fade

I'm barely hanging on
With all these empty feelings
I'm hurting in so many ways
And though I can't begin to understand the reason
I still believe that you're GOD

I'm barely hanging on
With all these empty feelings
I'm hurting in so many ways
And though I can't begin to understand the reason
I still believe that you're GOD

 

 

Comments

[Mom]

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV

[Letty]

I am so sorry to hear you are having such a rough time lately. I know nothing I say will take your pain away and nothing will bring back your daughter, just know you are in my prayers daily and that you are stronger then you think - look at how much you have made it through already - we never thought we would even get through HIgh Shcool ... and look at us now. Keep your head up and God will guide you through this and everything else you let him.