The last few days have been a little bit of a struggle. I think about her constantly. You know I look at her pictures everyday and I swear it's like I'm seeing then for the first time. (crazy I know.) I have her pictures on everything that holds digital pictures. Todays photo above sits on my desk where I spend most of my time, always in eye sight; I have conversations with her all day. We had a milestone on Friday, I had Jerry move her relocate her bottles and drying rack that have been sitting on the counter in the same place since that Friday. Of course I began to sob as I was handing them to him. I just felt it was time,yet I also felt I was betraying her. How dare I move her things? I can hear her say, But mommie those are mine. You see all of her stuff is spread all around the house, and I can't bring myself to move them. This precious little girl invaded my house with all her baby things, the day after she came home you could tell she was the center of attention and the house, And I was happy to give up the space. So I thought I would start with her bottles. I even carry the last blanket she was wrapped in, in my purse. To be honest I don't even know if I'm doing more harm than good. But, it's what's working for me.
I will never forget that night on the way home I looked in the rear view mirror which looked right into the baby mirror (you know the one that lets you look at the baby while driving) and when I saw an empty car seat, well lets put it this way I'm surprised I made it home in one piece ( I'm sure Jesus took the wheel). I hope to get the nerve to move her baby swing next. It's the one item that is very much in your face. The corner in the living room, you know she was just getting used to it, she actually stayed in it for 15 minutes before crying. Hey, everybody knows to a new mother 15 quiet minutes is a long long time. I remember thinking about 2 weeks after we had been home, and I was sleep deprived and she was crying at the top of her little lungs, people do this a 2nd time on purpose? Trust me I thought to myself, I hope Elena doesn't mind being an only child. One spoiled little girl would do me just fine, thank you very much. I will be the first to admit women who have babies are not in their right minds the first couple of weeks. I remember I would be washing her bottles and I would just start sobbing for absolutely no reason. Jerry really started to get so freaked, he asked his mom to come over on a daily basis, just so I could sleep.
You know I wonder how many times a day she thinks of Elena or looks at her pictures. She wouldn't go more than a day without seeing her. She retired in October, and the plan was for her to look after Elena when I went back to work. And I just feel for her, I can imagine what she goes through when she's bored. Perhaps thinking right now she's supposed to be changing a diaper or getting a bottle ready. She was so happy we finally gave her a grand-baby, lord knows she was waiting patiently. My mom used to call at the same times everyday to check up on us. I know she wishes she could have spent more time with her. Don't we all.
I know I have been slacking on entries I'll try to get on the ball.
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