Where do I begin? A lot has occurred in recent days that I am seriously struggling with. Struggling because they are making me think about God and why things happen the way they do. I feel after the last entry I was sure of so much and now just two weeks later, not so much. Let me elaborate. I found out some one who has no business having another child is being blessed with one (I don't consider that judging because I am simply stating facts), I know it's coming across as a bad attitude, but I am upset. I don't understand God's motives. I get so angry when people who shouldn't have children do. Just last night there was a 3 month old on the news who was taking to the hospital with bruises all over the face and arms. I know that stuff will just make me crazy, because it does. But I don't even look for it and I hear it.
Second we were informed today that One of the ladies from my bible study class has been suffering from bipolar disease and took her life yesterday. Finding this out really scared me. Granted I don't know the true condition of her heart. But I saw her all the time, at several weekly functions at church. I always noticed her, why? We always gave each other a friendly hello yet I never really spoke to her, Why? What scared me today? I feel no matter how much you press in and seek the lord, it seemed evil still prevailed. What will her children and husband think. The may put aside the one person who can help them through this, because they may feel they were let down. I remember thinking that one time when I saw her because I noticed how much she was going to church, somewhat like me, "she is searching for God". I know what that's like I search everyday. It's the only way I can stay sane.To know that someone is greater than I and in full control. I certainly am not. My greatest fear when everything happened with Elena was that I would go crazy. You know end up looney. And the other that my marriage would fall apart. The evil definitely works hard all the time, just yesterday I was having a bitter day thinking God took my baby away. You see I believe God can cure anyone and do anything so why didn't he save my little girl. It seems as the the pain of missing her is getting worse and I can't see why.
The other day a friend called me because she heard someone say "it's not about religion but about a relationship with the God", and she thought of me. That made me happy because, simply she listened when I was talking to her about God. And that's all I can ask. Thank you, you know who you are.
This a song that I sing an awful lot lately, it says what I feel to a T. I have to believe God is holding my hand.
Tell me that You'll help me find my way
Tell me You can see the light of dawn is breaking
Tell me that it's gonna be alright
Tell me that You'll help me fight this fight
Tell me that You won't leave me alone in this
'Cause I need, I need a hand to hold
To hold me from the edge
The edge I'm sliding over slow
'Cause I need, I need Your hand to hold
To hold me from the edge
The edge I'm sliding past
Hold on to me
Tell me I can make it through this day
I don't even have the words to pray
You have been the only One who never left me
Help me find the way through all my fears
Help me see the light through all my tears
Help me see that I am not alone in this
I can tell that you have been having a tough time lately and I wish there was something I could say or do to help you. But we both know that the only One who can provide comfort and strength is Christ alone. I definitely understand the questions you have for God, because I have some of the same inquiries... why can't I have another baby and some women have more than they want; why do many women get pregnant when they have no hold on their own lives, when there are married couples who can't have children; why can someone who appears to have it all together take their own life? Many questions to ask, but I have the comfort of the Holy Spirit knowing that all of these things are part of a greater plan... His greater plan. I hold onto Romans 8:28 "And we know that God causes all things to work together for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose." You know, studying 'The Patriarch's' has really made me understand why suffering in necessary in our walk with God; if we don't suffer, we tend to leave God out of our equations. But when we suffer and He delivers us, we give Him the glory! Press on and try to understand the 'non-understandable'; yes, He could have healed your baby and kept her here with you, but would you have 'seeked' Him like you have in the past 6 months? He has a greater plan-- He is trying to prepare you for the ministry He has in store for you. You will have the ability to touch many lives with your testimony. Please don't lose the faith-- remember, Satan wants you to question and struggle with God, He wants you to get mad at God... I will tell you, one real hero in my book is Job; when I am beginning to question God and get mad at things that are happening to me and those around me, I read about Job and the things he endured and still did not curse his Father. His story is in there to remind us that in the end, we will have VICTORY!
Posted by: Suzie Conner | Friday, August 22, 2008 at 07:35 AM