Surprise! Another entry so soon. I know I think I am so funny. This entry is serving two purposes; 1) I need to vent,2) A praise report. I am not going to lie I have had a rough few days. Sobbing and breaking down. And Jerry just looks at me like he just wants to take all my pain away, yet he knows he can't. I was wondering what's going on I was under control, doing well, I guess I just never thought the relapses would be so strong. After one of these events happen, I think what triggered this and it occurred to me today. That darn helicopter bill for Elena, we received a new one in the mail on Monday and that's when the relapses started. I am not going to lie that particular bill infuriates me. Now I understand human nature says I want to blame someone, however I know that will not fix anything or bring my baby back. But I have to tell you I have a lot of discernment when it comes to the events that occurred after EMS arrived and of course I can go on what if's all day. Some people I have told specifics to, don't understand why I haven't seeked legal council. The truth? I don't want to rehash and drag on that day more than I already do. It won't bring my baby back. And it certainly won't make me feel any better. Some say don't you want to make sure this doesn't happen to anyone else. My answer, Will legal action really prevent this from ever happening to anyone else? NO! Most importantly I don't feel God is calling me to take that route. (I'm sorry, sometimes it's just easier for me to convince myself when I write it out.) Okay so that was the vent.
Now the Praise, Have I mentioned God is right there when we need him to reassure us of his love. Yesterday, I started to cry on my way home and by the time I got home and saw Jerry I was in full break down mode. I had been struggling all day because I felt I had lost God's blessing and grace, not to mention my empty arms. Now I realize I was being made to believe that. On Thursdays I have ladies bible study; as you all know and I hadn't even opened it all week. So, last night I said let's try and do it tonight. So I prayed before starting that the lord guide me and open my mind and heart to receive his word and to please reveal to me, why I feel I have fallen from his grace. So I open up and on the second page of the bible study I began to read our teachers writings and descriptions of Genesis 32, when Jacob wrestles God and God renames him Israel( for he struggled with God and he prevailed). And right there the Lord revealed to me what was happening, I have been struggling with him,since childhood I have always struggled with him. And that's okay (not okay but okay, you know what I mean). The reason I got what was being said is, when it comes to marriage I have always believed when you stop arguing, that's when you worry, because it means you don't care. And you see I do care. The author of this bible study worded those two paragraphs perfectly, just for me to hear what God as saying. Gods grand plan I read that exactly when I needed to. You may remember quite a few entries ago I was questioning why others who may not deserve or love their children get to keep them yet, we don't. Here's what God revealed to me. He is molding me. Because remember God is storing up my treasures in heaven, not here. My rewards are much greater than those who are lost. And Elena is the greatest treasure I have stored in heaven. God, was there last night precisely when I needed him, he answered my specific prayer. Just like he promises. Praise God.
These are two of the verses from my bible study last night:
Psalm 34:17-18
17 The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears,
And delivers them out of all their troubles.
18 The LORD is near to those who have a broken heart,
And saves such as have a contrite spirit.
Psalm 147:3
3 He heals the brokenhearted
And binds up their wounds.
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