Here we go, again!

Wow. You know it's been a long time when you have to think of your log-in and password.  A lot has happened since our last encounter. Let's see, where do I begin? Well there was a big step on the home front, Elena's bassinet is no longer in our bed room. I made the mistake of not consulting Jerry prior to this drastic change. Needless to say he was not happy, and rightfully so. It was very awkward at first, coming up the stairs you could always see it, so it's a little weird not having it there anymore. The room looks empty. All though we have gotten used to it, and I personally don't feel this droning dull reminder of my being childless.

Speaking of children I am an aunt five times over now. Newest is a chunky monkey named Joel Isaiah, he is beautiful and certainly much friendlier than his older sister(LOL). I was there when he was born, not in the delivery room (not ready for that yet) but there. Talk about being uncomfortable. At that time I was not prepared to hold him. It took everything in me not to cry and to just be happy for my brother and his new bundle of joy. Since then I got to spend a long weekend with my brothers kids while at his graduation from boot camp (I am very proud him! SHHHH don't tell him I said that). I was able to come face to face with fear. I could feel the fear taunting me, laughing at me, it's hot breathe on my neck. We began our little "pa-so doable" before I even left my house. I knew I would have to conquer fear (because fear does not come from God). I will never forget the first time I held Joel, we were in a Mc Donald's parking lot off some exit in Georgia. We had stopped for a diaper change and to make it faster, after his mom changed his diaper I quickly grabbed him to put him in the car seat (which by the way hit me like a mack truck when I realized his car seat was on the same side of my car that Elena's was) buckled him in and cried silently. Whew! Okay so that was hard but I was still alive. Then I realized I had a whole 5 more hours to lament on how it felt to hold a baby for the first time since Elena. I realize now that was just the right time for me to hold him. It was just God, fear and myself and I was not allowing fear to win. You see I couldn't wait for the first time to be when intimate family members were around. The look of pitty and poor thing or their feeling extremely uncomfortable and not being able to hide it would surely take me over the edge. Which by the way I could sense whenever I held him after that and family was around.  I have to admit it felt glorious and full-filling to hold a baby again. He just wasn't mine. I felt I had to stay in control and not hold the baby too much. For fear people would start t worry. It just felt so good. I feel if it was a girl it would have been all the more difficult.

Of Course since holding a baby. The longing to have one is that much greater now. There are some days I feel I would be better off never having held him. Feeling that feeling you feel that burns you to the core knowing you have to give him back to his mamma, because this season you don't get to hold your baby. You only get the memories of holding your baby. Smelling your baby. Watching your baby. Comforting your baby. Cooing your baby. Humming and singing to your baby. Feeling the joy and pride of knowing this is my baby. I joked that Joel was so sweet and smelled so good, I was going to take him home and keep him. I'm not going to lie to you, I hoped and wished I could. I recently went to go see Joel, this time with Jerry. Poor thing Jerry had the same frightened look on his face, I had after Joel was born. I didn't hold him much because I didn't want to torment Jerry. But when I held him and since then I long so much to have a baby of my own. Impatience has kicked in again and even anger peeks it's ugly face from time to time. At times I feel like, here we go all over again! having to jump start healing again. And let us not forget the so called "Holiday" approaching.  

To help me with my impatience and resentment I have been meditating on this verses:

Psalm 28:6-7

 ⁶ Praise be to the LORD,
       for he has heard my cry for mercy.

 ⁷ The LORD is my strength and my shield;
       my heart trusts in him, and I am helped.
       My heart leaps for joy
       and I will give thanks to him in song.

Psalm 27:13-14

 ¹³ I am still confident of this:
       I will see the goodness of the LORD
       in the land of the living.

 ¹⁴ Wait for the LORD;
       be strong and take heart
       and wait for the LORD.

Wait, I imagine God is teaching me to wait. While I wait, I will praise and trust he knows best. I know you can all understand just how hard this it is, to just wait.

To all you mothers, Have a Happy Mother's Day! Hold your kids a little longer, some of us can't.

Comments

[Suzie]

Why is it that you always have to make me cry?! :) I will continue praying for God to make it clear to you and Jerry when the time is "right" for the next addition. Just think, Elena would be so excited to have a baby brother or sister...

Let go and let God...

Love you!
Suzie